Stage 5     REALIZING YOUR LOSSES

Affirmation:  I will acknowledge, discuss, and understand the extent of my personal loss.

In the previous stage, you learned about subtle conformity and how that leads to abandoning of the true Self.  In this stage, you learn that the loss of your self is at the root of emotional pain.  One of the earmarks of socialization is women's learned capacity to endure unspeakable emotional pain in silence and go on giving.  The "Old Bride" has grown to be a "victim."  Victims lose their personal power to choose.  You give up yourself for what you believe is a higher, more noble cause-the needs of your husband, your children, your parents-than loyalty to yourself.

In this chapter you learn that too much pain-and too much giving in spite of it- is unhealthy.  It diminishes the importance of your personal needs.  Healing only happens when you are willing to look at the personal losses you have experienced for the sake of being a "good woman."  Your goodness in unquestionable.  You are innately good.  Now is the time to grieve for the lost part of yourself.  Grieving deepens your awareness of the price you have paid for your pain.  Ask yourself when you began to speak in a different voice, dress in a different manner and surrender your personal dreams?  Remember what you've wanted to say for so long.  Each memory that is recalled gives rise to your rediscovered self and brings you one step closer to being the "New Bride."

  

Presentation based on Codependency and the Socialization of Women, by Ann Mody Lewis, Ph.D., Copyright 1996