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Stage
9
DRAWING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
Affirmation: I will create mature relationships by expressing my personal
needs because love without boundaries is paralyzing.
In Stage Eight, you engaged
in the difficult task of identifying relationships in which you became
lost. That exercise is the beginning of establishing realistic boundaries
for yourself in your relationships. Boundaries are the awareness of what
you are; they tell you what is emotionally comfortable for you and what is
not. Unhealthy boundaries keep you at arms' length from other people
because you are emotionally isolated. Healthy boundaries make you more
appreciative of yourself by respecting who you are. Healthy boundaries make
you present in relationships. You can set healthy boundaries only
when you know who you are and can distinguish yourself from others.
Boundaries are a self-declaration of what you feel is important. They exist
to keep your Self whole and intact, like the membrane of a cell. However,
when the "Old Bride" loves someone, she becomes vulnerable, and her
boundaries may become weak. The relationship becomes an unhealthy one.
In this chapter, you learn that healthy, mature relationships are not
perfect relationships-that concept is unrealistic. Rather, they are rich in
human interaction. You and your partner are respectful of each other's
idiosyncrasies. When you speak to each other, your voices are heard. You
recognize the reality and benefit of conflict. Boundaries help you build
intimacy in a relationship by what they communicate to your partner. They
help you distinguish "caring by demand" from "caring by choice." They tell
you when it is healthy to say "No" and healthy to say "yes." Relationships
can be an adventure into personal growth for both partners. That growth is
only possible when both people hang on to their dignity. When the "New
Bride" builds a healthy relationship, she is doing a good job of protecting
her identity and her dignity.
Presentation based on Codependency and the Socialization of Women, by Ann Mody Lewis, Ph.D., Copyright 1996